My Mental Meltdown

Today, I wake up feeling OK, but not great. What are my blood numbers, today? I wonder. I give myself my next to last chemo shot and blood spurts out everywhere and I struggle to get the bleeding stopped. My numbers must be really low as this has never happened to me before. I begin feeling dizzy and weak. Is this mental or physical? I have an appointment to get my blood work done but I think that I need more – I call and get an appointment with Dr. Koletsky’s Nurse Practioner Sandra at 2:15 p.m. Sandy Blake drives me to the appointment. They can’t get any blood out of my finger tips so they stick my vein. Off I go to the treatment room as I’m feeling really bad. By the time I get to the room Sandy notices that I’m bleeding onto the floor from my vein stick. Yikes! The phlebotomist stops the bleeding and cleans up quickly but my mental state is spiraling downward. NP, Sandra comes in and checks me out. I’m doing OK and in fact my numbers were not as low as I expected. I can tell she feels bad that I’m struggling mentally so today. She is so nice! In the end, I’m scheduled to receive a pint of platelets tomorrow to prepare myself for the weekend. It is always more difficult to get blood or blood products over the weekend. I go home feeling better but Sandy insists that someone come over for the evening to keep me company. Cheryl fills the void. Cheryl is single and lives alone, too. We talked about the advantages and disadvantages. Now, I’m feeling even better. Thank you Cheryl.

I have lived alone for many many years and always loved it. But, for the first time in all those years I question my situation (not that I can change it, mind you). What if I really need help? Will I be able to call for it? Should I arrange for someone to be with me the first few days back from treatment? I still struggle to admit just how sick I really am. How can I still be in denial? It’s been over two months since my diagnosis! So many of my friends would pitch in – why is it I hesitate to ask?